29. Lose the weight...finally

I just finished a 30 minute walk, and my legs are itchy (from the increased blood flow, I suppose), my lungs are tired, and the toes on my left foot are a bit numb, as they tend to be if my shoe is tied even the littlest bit tight. And I was thinking of just a few years ago, when I ran my first 5k...in wonder that I ever ran that far. It was really a kind-of miracle. And I know I could do it again, eventually, but why is it so hard to START OVER?

I have been struggling with the puzzle of body management vs. self-appreciation for a while now. A woman spends her entire life, or most of it once she hits about 25 anyway, in a massive war to A.)stay in decent shape, and/or B.)love herself the way God made her. We spend our time thinking we need to lose 5/10/50 pounds, or our breasts should be larger, or our thighs should be smaller, or we should be doing more aerobic exercise/weight training/yoga to make our stomachs smaller/bones stronger/bodies more flexible. Is our behind too big in these pants?...Does this dress make our stomach stick out? If we do 50 mores sit-ups every morning will we lose the muffintop? On and on and on....And on. YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN...DON'T YOU!? It is exhausting. I even get tired of listening to myself! And the litany of judgment is there whether you are saying it aloud to your girlfriends or just talking inside your own head.

And of course there is no help in our society...where even supermodels are airbrushed and every movie star is shot in perfect lighting. As the saying goes, 'if we all had personal trainers & personal chefs, we could all be a size 6'. (Mine would have to come drag me out of bed in the morning by my hair, but still.) Although, wonderful Oprah still seems to have a little trouble, so maybe that isn't as true as we think it is! Hummmm....

There is nothing more beautiful than a woman comfortable in her own skin, whether she is a size 2 or a size 22. But how do you achieve that comfort level? And how do you remain comfortable and confident and simultaneously acknowledge that you need to make some positive changes? It seems those two things are directly at odds with one another. I don't need to have the body I had a 21 to feel good about myself, but I need something....something more than what I currently have. Is that something the confidence to accept that time leaves its mark on us all? Or is that something a tummy tuck? Probably something in the middle? Probably.

So this is the beginning of the end of my battle to try to figure out how to accept my body and appreciate it the way it deserves (it does, after all, get me around pretty well), and at the same time try to bend it to my will in an effort to finally lose some weight and get a bit more fit before 40. I am determined to make my peace with this issue. (Feel free to pipe up with your thoughts, please.) So to start I will do the hardest thing of all. BEGIN.

(And then tomorrow: BEGIN AGAIN.)